this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
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Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Monday?
No. Next question.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
fourth time’s the charm
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.