Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
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why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.