McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
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Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Baby formula = dad x mom 馃え
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Pikachu found the lost joint
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we鈥檒l invent another one.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 馃槶
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I鈥檓 a little concerned
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
[funeral]
I鈥檒l never forget dad鈥檚 last words: It鈥檚 way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe