DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
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this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
can I use a minion as a tampon
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.