HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
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I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
based al yankovic
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣