if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
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My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
this is so top tier i cant
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Anyone want a chair?
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach