dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
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A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
What about a To-Don’t List?
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.