I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
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Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Sending in my taxes
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Good news
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.