ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
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A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
why isn’t he texting back
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written