My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
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Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.