Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
You Might Also Like
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.