North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
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I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Lmbo
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit