dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
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Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
All generalizations are stupid.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.