wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
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Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
another case of gang violins
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Pat is about to own someone
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
This has made my week.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone