My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
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[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.