My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
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Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Ken is short for chicken
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting