23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
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Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
True.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then