the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
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… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]