I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
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Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
What’s a Messi?
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Ugh but profoundly
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it