I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
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Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
This is hilarious….
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.