My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
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I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.