Still cracks me up
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Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Wait a second…
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.