[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
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Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
I’m giving up ice.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why