That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
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That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting