Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
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Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Good morning
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.