FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
You Might Also Like
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory