As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
You Might Also Like
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Well, shit
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.