ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
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Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Not helping
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.