Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
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I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁