*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
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my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”