If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
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can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good