When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
You Might Also Like
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom