You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
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ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.