If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.