sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
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This was the best day of my life
My doctor says I shouldn鈥檛 get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn鈥檛 suggested who should do it for me.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
I don鈥檛 know if I鈥檓 still tired or already tired.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
True freaking story!
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Can鈥檛 wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
my proudest tweet
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
馃幎we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It鈥檚 like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
DISNEY EXEC: So we鈥檙e going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*