up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
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Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
the world’s most popular steaming services
Yes, this is exactly right
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!