Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
You Might Also Like
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
#SuperBowl
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems