WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
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Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
You are what you delete.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything