My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
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Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day