I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
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Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.