My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*