The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
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uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.