A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
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Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude