9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
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‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
rapatouille
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.