her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
You Might Also Like
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
This squirrel eats better than I do
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.