If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
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Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower