Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
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Well. That’s not a good sign.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
reduce, reuse, recycle
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”