my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
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When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”