Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
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FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.