Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
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“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
dam girl
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it